Ahhhh, the joys of living on the east coast means enjoying 4 fantastic seasons, the most current being winter. Winter here has never been predictable, at least in the last 23 years I've lived here. Yesterday brought beautiful snow, sleet, freezing rain, and rain. Really, it is just a mess outside. As Dear and I were preparing for some shut eye, there was a loud scraping noise and a snapping sound. I turned to him and asked if the dog had just fallen down the stairs. Uh, no, was his reply, that would be a branch snapping off the pine trees, Honey. OH MY STARS! I had never heard anything quite like that before. Given that it was about midnight, there wasn't anything either one of us could do. I slept soundly, with jaw clenched and a headache to show for it in the morning.
Fast forward to current conditions and there are branches on my deck, in the backyard, in the neighbor's backyard from the trees, and on the roof of the bay window. Let me tell you what, that bay window one happened about 2 hours ago and scared the snot right out of me. I thought the house was going to collapse. Clearly I live on the dramatic side of life because I'm just fine, as are the children. I digress. The branches will stay right there until Dear returns from work. His funny bone kicked into high gear when he asked if I had been outside to clean up the branches when I spoke to him a wee bit ago. HA! I'm not afraid of hard work, just not trying to lift branches coated in ice all by myself. Logical, right?
I'm off to fold the laundry, since I didn't get enough done yesterday. How did I spend my time yesterday, you ask. Oh, that would be baking and cooking. I made a delicious sour cream coffee cake from www.browneyedbaker.com followed by brown sugar heath cookies from www.twopeasandtheirpod Dinner was a new recipe from www.jamiecooksitup.com from her December menu: Bavarian Roast of Wonder. Oh, it was tasty. The coffee cake is SOOOOO good. I had made it once or twice before, but it really hit the spot yesterday. The cookies were a delight to make and also very, very delectable. I will have to hide the container while I'm at home today. Dinner tonight is another new recipe, chicken tomatillo. Which reminds me, I'd better get the chicken boobs out of the freezer so they can start to get happy.
Have a wonderful day, Friends! Stay safe and warm, no matter where you are.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Dates of Due.....
I thought about titling it "Due Dates" but couldn't really bring myself to do that...heck, it's taking some courage to face what tomorrow would've been, could've been, should've been, without losing my marbles.
On March 30th, the day I first saw the positive pregnancy test, the joy was astounding. I thought for sure this pregnancy would be the light in my life after the miscarriage in October of 2012. Dave was overwhelmed at the though, I in turn felt guilty, but really, I was most excited. Then came July 15th, 16th, and 17th....shoot, the next three weeks after that I hardly remember. I know I cried, I know I was an absent minded mom, and a terribly lonely person. When I say I was lonely, that is not because Dave wasn't right there, offering me love, support, and opportunities to laugh and enjoy life. I think I felt lonely in my grief. I understood Dave's perspective, didn't want to burden him with trying to make him understand my feelings of loss, therefore, pushing myself into a lonely corner.
The lonely corner was very, very lonesome and there was hardly a soul who willingly would've joined me there. However, I thought for sure I could hide there, mourn and throw a huge pity party until I felt like I was done. My friends tried to comfort me; only have either more information than they ever wanted thrown at them or being snapped at because I thought they asked the wrong questions. Overall any friend just wanted to know that I was "moving forward" or "getting better". Of course I am, I assured them. I was feeling so much better. Lies. Lies. Lies. They served a huge function though; the friends' fears were satiated and I was left alone.
Some how, some way, I began to realize that I couldn't hide in the corner much longer. Thus, I returned to my counselor, saw the apothecary, and began to try and find my way through the grief. My counselor has been supportive, gentle, and firm when necessary. She assured me that it was "F'ing hell" that I was going through. The apothecary very gently reminded me that she doesn't medicate for grief. Humph. I thought that was a GREAT choice, even if a small honest piece of me understood that I had to go through it with only the necessary medications on board. The grief has been as wide as the ocean and as small as a stream. I have bucked it up, I have fallen down...hard. I've screamed at my children in frustration and pain. I've craved assurances that I can cook, parent, love, support, and provide for my family. I have felt like I failed, my grief serving as a reminder of this. If only I could have done something better....if only....Eh, that "if only..." thinking gets me to the same place that asking "Why?" does: NOWHERE.
So, tomorrow on what should've been the 3rd greatest day of my life, I wonder if my son knows how much he has taught me from that great place in the clouds. I have learned to be compassionate toward all those who have lost loved ones too early. I have realized that just because I want something, it doesn't always happen just so. I miss my son. He was real. I know he was. He is loved, was loved from the moment I knew he was there, and will always be loved. I couldn't have done anything differently, I couldn't have changed the course of what happened, no matter what I feel or what my guilt says. The space between my breakdowns remains at about 2 weeks, but I'm sure that in time, they'll become father apart. By then I'll be okay, but in the mean time, I will soldier through it, one step at a time.
"when you carry a life
and it's there and
then gone, a part of
your soul dies forever"
~Casey Wiegand
Thank you for all of your support and understanding!
On March 30th, the day I first saw the positive pregnancy test, the joy was astounding. I thought for sure this pregnancy would be the light in my life after the miscarriage in October of 2012. Dave was overwhelmed at the though, I in turn felt guilty, but really, I was most excited. Then came July 15th, 16th, and 17th....shoot, the next three weeks after that I hardly remember. I know I cried, I know I was an absent minded mom, and a terribly lonely person. When I say I was lonely, that is not because Dave wasn't right there, offering me love, support, and opportunities to laugh and enjoy life. I think I felt lonely in my grief. I understood Dave's perspective, didn't want to burden him with trying to make him understand my feelings of loss, therefore, pushing myself into a lonely corner.
The lonely corner was very, very lonesome and there was hardly a soul who willingly would've joined me there. However, I thought for sure I could hide there, mourn and throw a huge pity party until I felt like I was done. My friends tried to comfort me; only have either more information than they ever wanted thrown at them or being snapped at because I thought they asked the wrong questions. Overall any friend just wanted to know that I was "moving forward" or "getting better". Of course I am, I assured them. I was feeling so much better. Lies. Lies. Lies. They served a huge function though; the friends' fears were satiated and I was left alone.
Some how, some way, I began to realize that I couldn't hide in the corner much longer. Thus, I returned to my counselor, saw the apothecary, and began to try and find my way through the grief. My counselor has been supportive, gentle, and firm when necessary. She assured me that it was "F'ing hell" that I was going through. The apothecary very gently reminded me that she doesn't medicate for grief. Humph. I thought that was a GREAT choice, even if a small honest piece of me understood that I had to go through it with only the necessary medications on board. The grief has been as wide as the ocean and as small as a stream. I have bucked it up, I have fallen down...hard. I've screamed at my children in frustration and pain. I've craved assurances that I can cook, parent, love, support, and provide for my family. I have felt like I failed, my grief serving as a reminder of this. If only I could have done something better....if only....Eh, that "if only..." thinking gets me to the same place that asking "Why?" does: NOWHERE.
So, tomorrow on what should've been the 3rd greatest day of my life, I wonder if my son knows how much he has taught me from that great place in the clouds. I have learned to be compassionate toward all those who have lost loved ones too early. I have realized that just because I want something, it doesn't always happen just so. I miss my son. He was real. I know he was. He is loved, was loved from the moment I knew he was there, and will always be loved. I couldn't have done anything differently, I couldn't have changed the course of what happened, no matter what I feel or what my guilt says. The space between my breakdowns remains at about 2 weeks, but I'm sure that in time, they'll become father apart. By then I'll be okay, but in the mean time, I will soldier through it, one step at a time.
"when you carry a life
and it's there and
then gone, a part of
your soul dies forever"
~Casey Wiegand
Thank you for all of your support and understanding!
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