Relaxing

Today, I have the divine pleasure of working from home.  My darling children , who I adore with all my heart, at school!  I am all alone.  I am enjoying watching mindless TV at the moment, perhaps I'll read a book I just picked up from the library, or take another nap.  Yes, that would be my 2nd nap of the day.  I just had to close my eyes after dropping the darlings at school, after missing the bus.  It was decadent, luxurious, and everything I needed it to be.

This brief time alone will soon come to a conclusion.  The children will be home in about an hour.  I look forward to seeing them again, sort of.  This entire getting back into routine after our wonderful Christmas break, snow days, half days, and a few more snow days.  Super one has really suffered the most.  He might be genetically predetermined to have some attention issues. We, his parents, as well as a few other relatives, may also suffer from similar attention struggles, but are very happy, productive members of society  ;0)  Given these genetic obstacles, the loss of structure, change of schedule, and his mother being just as eager to lose the routine, has lead to regression is his school behavior.  His teacher phoned last night to express her concerns, which left me to stew about it.  Dear was having to work late so I couldn't just sit down and chat with him.  The teacher and I decided that perhaps consultation with the Response To Intervention (RTI) teacher would be a good place to start, as well as some other things from his 1st grade teacher, that might be good.  I suppose eventually Dear and I are going to have to have another conversation with our beloved pediatrician about attention and learning differences.

Meanwhile, the Peanut has flourished in kindergarten.  So much so, that her reading is beginning to encroach upon my life.  Sometimes she is permitted to play games on my phone.  Unbeknownst to me, she can read my text messages!  EEEEK!  Texting had been my way to communicate with my girlfriends with out the children being able to know what I was saying.  Imagine my shock when she read to me what someone had written, which was of course rated "G".  I'm so proud of her, but this also bring to an end her playing with my phone.  She continues to be social, inviting, a pain, opinionated, slightly more girly than before, She has an imagination that I wish I could have.  She can characters with magnetic letters on the fridge, tell hilarious stories, and entertain herself while I cook dinner.

These two loves add so much to my life, along with Dear, making it 100% enjoyable.  It might also be challenging, trying to balance it all, but hey, it just makes my prayers for monotony more earnest.  I know one day these shall be answered, lol!  It is still a struggle this week to enjoy the little things, which is why this alone time while they are at school is so important.  Perhaps I'll be a good mom when they arrive this afternoon.  I have hope.  

Zig Zag

Do you every find yourself irritated by something that is irrational?  For example, the way no matter how many times you pick up around your house, some one, child or husband, follows right behind you, making a mess.  I try not to be irked, but sometimes it is just the straw that broke the camel's back.  This morning I got/fell out of my bed, as my daughter was bound and determined to "cuddle" with me.  This entailed trying to get so close to me that she essentially shoved me out of the bed.  It is not the nicest way to be awoken, but it comes with the territory.  Maybe this is what led to the mood I am currently in.

Actually, I've been thinking and my anger comes not really from being shoved out of my bed, but really something different and I don't know what to do with it.  I want to be assured that other people feel this way, but that is a validation that may not occur, so I can let it go. It all starts with the moon turning, the arrival of "aunt ruby", the monthly out of town visitor, catch my drift?  I feel such anger today as my monthly friend draws to a close, which is usually joyful.  I'm not angry it's ending, but more that it came at all. Every month it comes, it is a relief and a reminder.  A relief that either (a) I successfully entertained Dear without getting pregnant or (b) I abstained long enough that there was no earthly way I could be pregnant.  The anger comes when it is seen as a reminder that  I didn't get pregnant and I REALLY want to be.  I want to not feel angry; accepting that I can be okay with not being pregnant.  I want to feel the relief wash over me, like a joyous moment, that I'm not.  I want to embrace that.  What on earth is holding me back?

Those flare ups of desire are what are holding me back.  The desire to have the final member of our family, present, not just an ornament on a Christmas tree.  The anticipation of the arrival of the baby.  The amazement of how life is created, just from one little egg and a microscopic sperm.  To heal in my heart what I feel is missing in my life.  To erase the sadness that sneaks up on  me, without warning and makes me a bitch to live with at times.  I want to throw caution to the wind, let the bills pay themselves, let the credit card debt magically disappear, and suddenly be able to afford my baby, with recklessness never seen before.

If only my head could talk to my heart.  The logic that I know exists is what keeps from "entertaining" Dear, knowing it is not the correct time in our lives.  I'm not getting any younger either (hello, I'm sneaking up on 39 next month!).  I have two beautiful children.  I live in a hectic city where dual incomes are required to survive.  Despite knowing these logical facts, my heart and head fail to share the same page.  I think this quote summarizes my entire point today: