It’s been a few years since I’ve taken a moment to post here but today, I felt inspired to do so again because I think I actually miss it!  

I was sitting here in my dining room, watching a soap opera on my iPad because my darling daughter is currently watching some even worse trash tv, when the side of my fridge caught my eye.  Why did it?  Well, I was thinking that the side of my fridge tells quite a story of life.  Aside from the magnets of nothing remarkable, there are pictures that remind me of past times, when joy was the number one feeling.  One of the memories is from a birthday dinner for Dave when we went to a restaurant with 2 other couples. At some point during the dinner, they offered to snap a Polaroid of us.  A joyous moment frozen in time.  The only kicker is that one of the people in that picture has since died of pancreatic cancer.  It is a picture I treasure of him with us. To the left of that is the memorable magnet of my cousin who lost his battle with depression and my aunt had these magnets made up when we celebrated his life last summer.  Below that is the playbill from my son’s 100th show for the stand up comedy he adores at his university.  Dave and I got to drive down for that and see him in his element…not that I’d ever say that about my son being in the spotlight but my goodness, he was front and center.  Below that is the award my darling daughter earned this school year after she taught herself the Russian alphabet, worked with the Russian teacher, memorized a whole bunch of stuff, went to Olympiada, and won a gold medal!  She has a talent for learning languages that I don’t understand but stand in awe of her skills.  A little further on the right is the Montclair Seahwaks swim team magnet.  Yes, it should be on my car, but instead it’s on the fridge, reminding me of the upteen hundreds of hours we’ve spent at the pool, friends we’ve made, the success and losses in a variety of pools, and the fun my children had with their friends.  Despite the fact that it’s cluttered and appears to be a random smattering of crap, it really tells a story about my family.  The loves, the losses, the joys, the lows…all memories to be cherished.  One day I’ll take some of those things down as time passes but it will be somewhere safe and replaced with other momentous memories.  

Cheers!!

Leslie 

Stir Crazy

These are the times that try any mother's soul...I've got one down with strep throat, which means that we are all quarantined while she gets better.  Usually this is a good thing except I have this need for grown up conversation and interaction right now before I lose my marbles.  Are there any takers?  I could tell you about any number of things, could inquire about things that are new to me but you know something about and really I just need to be somewhere other than my house.  Do you know how hard it is to maintain one's sanity when surrounded by YouTube videos, Netflix, the radio and the sound of my own thoughts running through me head?  Exactly...you should be laughing right now at the thought of me containing all of my inside thoughts while surrounded by my children. 


I am grateful for this time with them, just not this much ALL at ONCE. 

When in Rome

I suppose I should be doing as the Romans do, but I don't feel like it, so I'm going to write down a couple of thoughts while I pay close attention to a large group discussion...😏

I am beginning to think that the roller coaster of this winter kind of reflects how I feel my life is going.  I have been facing new challenges, risen to challenges, then...slid really far down and ate my way through the winter holidays. Then, I returned to work, geared up, ready to go, and slowly fell downhill.  The weather has done the same!  It has been 72 degrees one day, 24 degrees the next.  Like mother nature can't maintain a level head, I can't either.

Through the winter break, my caloric consumption should have masked all feelings of fear, frustration, uncertainty, and anxiety. Unfortunately, this solution was highly ineffective in tamping down those feelings, but did succeed in creating lovely new challenges when getting dressed.  I didn't really think about how those feelings should be addressed because there are times when I tend to discuss things to death.  I analyze, conjecture, reflect, discuss, argue, and really try to solve my problems, but wear people out in the process.  Hence, the eating fills my mouth and prevents me from talking.  The ideas continue to live in my mind, I don't over talk, and I can function, relatively speaking. I struggle to feel certain in my choices and want to just confirm my train of thought is going in the right direction through discussion.  Anxiety is such an awesome disorder.

I have worked in the first 6 weeks to silence the fears I ate through, but where I found sure footed plans, the rug was pulled out from under my feet.  I seemed to be causing trouble through trusting the wrong people, trying to explain my side of events that had happened.  There are people who have been put in my life during this great time of change that have taught me SO much!  I have learned I can't wallow, spew, or focus only on the negative.  I can't boss karma around, she's a bitch and I can only what from the sidelines.  This one person has brought humor out the kazoo to my days.  I am so grateful for her friendship.

Kindness is the focus for this month at my job.  There are "Hugs" being passed around in mailboxes, kind of like when you get "Boo-d" during Halloween in your neighborhood.  I have zero expectation of being "hugged" but kindness doesn't die there.  I am reading out to others, smiling, assisting, and being genuine.  I've tried to pass along the humor from my friend to others.  I will be kind.  Did I mention that with the kindness comes sarcasm?  LOL!

Just Like Fire...

A year ago I wrote about the shoes of summer as the start of the new school was upon me.  This summer, 2016, has been devoured by flames.  Wrapping my head around the idea of returning to the grind, just when  I had finally hit my stride in doing things at home, with the kids, seeing friends, old and new...BAM...school supply lists were posted, children begged to go to Target, the classroom supplies I had brought home needed to be moved and my need to take ultimate control rose from my toes and spilled out into life, just ask my children  ;0)  There have been so many changes this summer leading to fantastic possibilities, friendships cemented and left hanging in the wind, while surging forward, running from the flames of time  :)  

The summer began in it's usual way, swim team started the day after Memorial Day.  I felt great excitement at the start of the season, looking forward to the distraction from the hellish work load that was weighing me down.  The pool brought joy and light to the afternoons.  The coaches had all returned, so my kids were almost as thrilled as I was.  Friends returned with their darlings as well, so conversations picked right up as if  ten months hadn't passed.  Joy, pure unadulterated joy was what I felt sitting there, watching practice.  

I wrapped up another craptacular school year, with a little pep in my step, knowing I didn't have to return to that building in the fall. I was also so excited to see the 24th of June because for Mother's Day, Dear had surprised me with a ticket to fly out and see my brother, his wife, and their children. With a spring in my step, I bid adieu on the 23rd, flew out at the ass crack of dawn the 24th, and stayed in the lovely Southern California home of my brother and his wife.  A week there, not being a parent and just enjoying being an aunt, was just the recharge I needed.  I was very ready to return on the 3rd of July to my loony tunes. 

I stepped right back into the swing of things on that Tuesday, the 5th of July.  Swim practice X 2, staying at the pool to play for a bit after Peanut's practice, before coming home to the afternoon routine of showers, playing with friends, and starting dinner.  While in Southern California, an email was sent letting the swim team know that the coaches, all 4 of them, would be retiring at the end of the season.  I was flabbergasted, sad, happy for them, and ready to just enjoy the time we had left with them.  The weeks flew by.  I was not ready to end this season.  It was too much change.  However, knowing that I could keep in touch through social media, and still see them, brought some serenity to saying good bye.  I love all four of those women.  They are outstanding people, inside, out and within their families.  

The beach trip immediately followed Divisionals.  The three of us piled into the van, drove south, then north, arriving at the beach house with my parents.  A week with them, my two children, with just me to run interference and not fall off the deep end.  I was thrilled.  I couldn't wait for the next 7 days to pass like wildfire.  Father Time clearly did not share this same sentiment, as there were days when it felt like time was moving like molasses in the Antarctic.  My parents are lovely people, truly they are.  They are just a WEE bit on the narcissistic side of life.  It is scary though I quickly I regress in their presence; returning to the child who anticipates their every move, how to prevent things from going awry, and keeping their anger from boiling over at my children.  As a successful coping strategy, I took the children to the beach at least once a day, made sure we got out of the house with or without them, and worked hard to keep everybody happy.  The real relief came when our favorite cousins arrived, with their mom, to spend three days with us.  Entertainment for the children and me; I'd call that a win win situation  :)  

I forgot how quickly the structure of the summer falls away once swim team is done.  I've tried to fill the time with fun activities, time with friends, and some down time.  I am sure I haven't done quite enough, but I've done more than previous summers, so it's an improvement.  The children have survived.  They should make it to start school on Monday morning  ;0)  My Dear has been amazing this summer.  He really has made everything possible. I'm excited and nervous about beginning at a new school.  I'll have to get to know people all over again and figure out routines.  Maybe I'll just meld right in...hahaha.  So, cheers to new beginnings, the best of friends, and pumpkin season coming really soon!  

Retirement

Dear Summer,

     These last 8 weeks have been challenging, rewarding, and highly educational.  I have enjoyed them all however and would not like to retire my summer status.  I've been able to get to know my children again, spend some time reading, going out to dinner with girlfriends, and sneaking in the occasional nap.  I think I earned this break, given the stressful nature of the previous 10 months.  I could really, really get used to working just at home.  I could easily send my children off to school, work around here, get them off the bus, you get my drift.  It is good to dream, which is what my Dear tells me, as well as my own brain.

     The summer began with swim team, the day after Memorial Day.  Afternoon practices ensued, meeting up at the pool with the moms, while silently fretting over dinner and how it might be possible to eat before midnight.  Shortly after the school year concluded, practices transitioned to the morning, on a rotating start time for the oldest, but always the same for the Princess.  While I liked that one age group was not stuck with the 7:30 practice time, it was hard to find a groove when the time changed weekly.  Never mind the tiny nuances, my son really grew in his swimming technique, as well as the Princess.  They both enjoyed swim team, earning their ribbons, playing at the pool after practice, and being part of such an awesome team.  It was fantastic and I can't wait to do it again next summer.

     The simplicity in only worrying if I would get stuck in traffic trying to get to the library was perfect.  I knew that I could avoid it on Fridays, or by going early enough in the morning any other day of the week.  I loved that I could read after breakfast for about an hour, or so depending on the book, until lunch demands were vocalized.  Hey, I could read after that was done too ;0)  I also kept up with the laundry, the mopping, the cleaning, and keeping hungry children out of the pantry.  It was not such a tough life.  Shhhh, don't tell Dear though, as he thinks I had it easy every single day of the summer. That wasn't quite true.

     The cleats have been retired for my son.  Tackle football was not his sport this fall, a decision that was not made without great discussion and consideration for his fellow teammates.  Although Son is tall, solid as a wall of concrete, and would appear to be an excellent candidate for said sport, he was not playing it well.  The coach voiced concerns over his tackling, or really lack there of, putting him in danger for being hurt.  His fellow teammates never gave up on encouraging him though, which was a sign of an excellent league.  The night he retired, Son went to practice and addressed the team, thanking them for their motivation and encouragement.  He also thanked his coaches for their support, but gracefully retired for the season.  I can't say I'm sad he retired but I was sad for him to loose out on the team building skills he could have learned.  Although, given that he didn't like to get dirty, a fact he stated only after signing up and practicing for a month, I think he could have been the teams biggest cheerleader/bench warmer  :0)

     I am gathering speed toward getting my fanny in gear.  I'm going to be case managing 12 students this year, which is double what it was last year.  I have some anxiety about this, but I got to attend a two day institute for assistive technology, which helped exercise my brain and prepare me for what I need to know for this year.  I'm going to have to become really good at working with augmentive communication devices, learning the programs, and how to use them for the student to express their ideas and opinions. I think I'll do okay.  I know who to ask for support.  It's really all good...that's what I keep telling myself at least.

     Summer, it's been great and I am sad to retire from this season.  Until next year, say around the 23 of June, we'll be put into active duty status.  I wonder what the school year will be like?  Will my children succeed in their assigned classrooms?  With their teachers?  Will their teachers survive them?  I'll think about these questions and look forward to Summer 2016.  

Previously...

A trip down memory lane is necessary at times in life, I firmly believe.  I moved from the west coast to the east coast the summer between my sophomore and junior year of high school.  I forced my parents to agree to send me back to California if this whole east coast business didn't work out.  I was not really such a happy camper to be leaving my friends.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I was not exactly the most social butterfly, but I had worked hard to find my little group and I was happy.  The east coast did not promise this same life.  I was bitter.

After the arrival, a wee bit of a bumpy transition, riding the bus(!!!!) to my new high school, and getting used to everything else in life, I was in full throttle to achieve nerd status.  I was tall, awkward, highly ungraceful, and was absent when athletic prowess was handed out.  I was just a whirling dervish of clumsiness.  Them, my mother, in all of her social networking, announced that she had found a carpool for me to join.  Anything was better than riding the confounded bus, I can assure you.  There was the driver and one other person in the car, which was a teeny tiny Nissan, two door.  Since I was the newest in the carpool, I was relegated to the back seat, which was not always bad.  It wasn't like I hoped the other passenger would be sick often ;0)  We shared those last two years together, through thick and thin, with joy, arguments, my wacky mood swings, and multiple trips to 7-11 for Smartfood popcorn.

Fast forward just about 23 years, give or take, and on a fantastic Saturday night, we were reunited, along with two other strong, amazing women, who also went to high school with us.  They were just way cooler and had their own vehicles for driving.  I was late arriving, which is par for the course, but joined right in the cacophony of discussions and laughter.  There were thirst quenching beverages, delicious food, and time that flew by!   We talked about high school, reviewed the year books, noted grammatical errors that should never have been published, laughed about those who dared us not to post pictures on social networking sites, shared about our children, and decided that NoSo Sudan would not be an ideal place to vacation, but sharing time before one person departs to go there with Doctors Without Borders was fantastic.  Time had not skipped a beat.  There weren't awkward silences, competition, or claims of whose hair was better styled.  It was amazing.  I was glad that I didn't pull an all too familiar stunt and not attend.  A wise person once told me that I should always make time for my girlfriends, come hell or high water, as they would be the ones there when the children were grown and husbands were grumpy.  I am so pleased to know that I have done this, relative to me mind you, so that I can have a solid group of women I can call friends, even if it takes 20 years to see some of them.

I cannot promise it will be tomorrow that I will reconnect with these amazing women.  Life marches on, as do airplanes and jobs.  I am thankful for my girlfriends.  Truly.

Summer

There is a picture I just took, which I was going to post, but I'll have to work on my knowledge of posting pictures to my blog. Until then, just follow my story....

The first thing in the picture that you might notice is the mismatched flip flops that belong to my darling daughter. The zebra print flip flop was a wonderful treasure from a box of summer clothes that my aunt sent both children. Like any other pair of shoes, they were not liked at first, hated I. Fact. The whining was atrocious! Fine, i found myself saying, wear whatever bloody shoes you want! Slowly, they were worn more often. Then, after a few weeks, I noticed there was only one. Where is the other one, I demanded to know. A shrug, I don't know, and a skip out the door ended the conversation.  If I was a responsible mom, I might have pursued her, chased her across the front yard, screaming for her to stop and go find her shoe. From past experiences, I knew I would lose that chase, so....I was irresponsible ;0). She had other choices. More time passed, with one flip flop living with the other shoes, alongside a singular croc. When I would get a wild hair up, I would attempt to ask where the others might be, but not really.

A sudden knock one afternoon startled me, as two of my daughter's friends were there holding the matching flip flop and croc! My joy was abounding; I had the matches, life was back to normal. I should have known better. I attempted to put away the shoes, but the zebra flip flop match was missing. How could that be??? I had just seen it. I'd been so careful not to lose it for all these weeks. *sigh*'I walked away, awaiting my child's return.

I might have asked her a few days later where the matching shoe was, so the reply should not have surprised me. Well, you see, mom, I wore one croc & one flip flop to ride my bike in the culdesac, but the zebra one was annoying me, so I took it off. I forgot it outside and it's just gone. But, hey, look, you found my other croc! Thanks, mom!! *sigh*

The other flip flop is red & black, but has become a match with the zebra flip flop. Why? Well, that would be because the other red one is missing, in the vast yard between our house & the neighbors. Don't worry,mom, I like these together.

The final pair of shoes are cleats, belonging to my son. He is in his first season of tackle football. He is not the most athletically inclined, working very hard in ever sport he's tried.  It is all new to me; I'm much more at home on a pool deck, screaming during a meet. His cleats are always together, in an OCD kind of way. I love that. It makes life grand not to spend hours searching for a pair of shoes. His joy and overwhelming passion for his sports is endearing, making my heart want to burst. I'm proud of him for wearing his cleats every.single.day, and not losing one.

I love my opposite children, truly I do. I also need them to go back to school, where tennis shoes are required. My daughter can't lose one of those and my son will ave a break from his cleats. Until the first day arrives, if you find a red & black Reef flip flop, just drop it in my front step.....