Zig Zag

Do you every find yourself irritated by something that is irrational?  For example, the way no matter how many times you pick up around your house, some one, child or husband, follows right behind you, making a mess.  I try not to be irked, but sometimes it is just the straw that broke the camel's back.  This morning I got/fell out of my bed, as my daughter was bound and determined to "cuddle" with me.  This entailed trying to get so close to me that she essentially shoved me out of the bed.  It is not the nicest way to be awoken, but it comes with the territory.  Maybe this is what led to the mood I am currently in.

Actually, I've been thinking and my anger comes not really from being shoved out of my bed, but really something different and I don't know what to do with it.  I want to be assured that other people feel this way, but that is a validation that may not occur, so I can let it go. It all starts with the moon turning, the arrival of "aunt ruby", the monthly out of town visitor, catch my drift?  I feel such anger today as my monthly friend draws to a close, which is usually joyful.  I'm not angry it's ending, but more that it came at all. Every month it comes, it is a relief and a reminder.  A relief that either (a) I successfully entertained Dear without getting pregnant or (b) I abstained long enough that there was no earthly way I could be pregnant.  The anger comes when it is seen as a reminder that  I didn't get pregnant and I REALLY want to be.  I want to not feel angry; accepting that I can be okay with not being pregnant.  I want to feel the relief wash over me, like a joyous moment, that I'm not.  I want to embrace that.  What on earth is holding me back?

Those flare ups of desire are what are holding me back.  The desire to have the final member of our family, present, not just an ornament on a Christmas tree.  The anticipation of the arrival of the baby.  The amazement of how life is created, just from one little egg and a microscopic sperm.  To heal in my heart what I feel is missing in my life.  To erase the sadness that sneaks up on  me, without warning and makes me a bitch to live with at times.  I want to throw caution to the wind, let the bills pay themselves, let the credit card debt magically disappear, and suddenly be able to afford my baby, with recklessness never seen before.

If only my head could talk to my heart.  The logic that I know exists is what keeps from "entertaining" Dear, knowing it is not the correct time in our lives.  I'm not getting any younger either (hello, I'm sneaking up on 39 next month!).  I have two beautiful children.  I live in a hectic city where dual incomes are required to survive.  Despite knowing these logical facts, my heart and head fail to share the same page.  I think this quote summarizes my entire point today: