How many people can look back and see exactly where something started? Was it the flood? Was it when I slipped and fell? Was it when I bonked my head? Was it when the trip was canceled? These are just some ideas, but not necessarily what happened in my simple, complex, little life. Sometimes though just one question can lead you to the root of where it all started....
If I think about it, it all began with the bathroom flood and the chain of events that followed, related to repairing the damage and not, have lead my life to where it currently stands: in a very delicate balance of attempting not to resent my husband and children and keep everything else going in a smooth direction. I tried to discuss this with 2 coworkers yesterday, neither of whom worked when their babies were little. When trying to explain how frustrating it is to get things done within the home and work, while not having help from a husband or partner, is damn lonely! Neither of them could understand how this might work or how to relate to it. I had to stop myself from talking about it because my passion and frustration were about to spill over into the conversation because they don't understand and I couldn't make them feel my experiences with my words.
On that fateful Saturday when the flooding happened, which led to fans and dehumidifiers being added to our normal din within the house, just before the two teacher work days. Those two days were used to (1) get work done at work and (2) meet with the estimator for the damage, as well as stay at home b/c the truck was dropped off at the shop for repairs. At the conclusion of day 2, I was expecting that the truck could be picked up, life would return to normal the next day, and all would be "normal", aside from the increased noise of the fans and dehumidifiers. Alas, this was not the plan. Running out late that night, to fetch a spare vehicle from a family member, so Dear could go work, while I had my first class the next night, and coordinating the return of the borrowed car, etc. I should have turned around at the end of this day, and hid.
I didn't hide, I persevered through that week, with the thought that life would slow down. Bawhahahahahahaha....that was a very funny thought! Basically since the last week of January, I've been the one to do everything related the household, work outside the home, and been a single parent. Dear does come home, which is lovely, but frustrating at the same time. He wants things to flow smoothly, to have the children listen to him, follow his expectations, and allow him to relax. Well, well, well... this idea is a good one, except I haven't sat down since I fetched the children, and I would like the same thing. It's not really going to happen for both of us at the same time now, it it? Also, if you think the children are listening to him or want anything to do with him at night, you're just as crazy as I am, thinking that I could just turn it over to him.
As I continue to move through this time, I want peace and solitude. I want Dear home at a reasonable hour (not 7:30 or 8). I want my children to be happy, healthy, and very well adjusted. If I build any more resentment, I think I'd better start therapy funds for them instead of college funds. It will get easier, right? To women who've never had to work through this, just offer a kind listening ear, not a comparison to you previous life. I want someone to understand how hard it is work at work every day, only to have that work day continue when I get home. These two things aren't comparable. I wouldn't trade the life I have built with my family but how much Dear works, I would gladly trade away to someone else. I just want my husband and friend home, without worrying about work and turning on his work computer after the kids are sleeping. Life marches forward, ready or not!!!!!!!!!!
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