Tangible

In a life that is mostly immediate gratification, pregnancy is one of the greatest remaining events that cannot be rushed.  From the first ultra sound, to the 20 week, possibly gender revealing, then follow up ultra sounds if necessary, all culminating in the greatly anticipated birth.  It is guaranteed to take between 37 and 40 weeks.  I have been graced with two such wonderful events and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't rush them.  I adore them to the moon and back. 

Today I had an appointment with my counselor, whom I've seen for many, many moons.  As I was leaving, I realized I wanted to bring the ultrasound pictures I had.  That meant going back inside.  As I exited, I was able to intercept Peanut, who decided that she didn't want me to go without her, and was going to chase the van. I picked her up, carried her inside, to deposit her with Dear, and grab the pictures.  I grabbed pictures and attempted to put her down, but really kind of did the drop and run maneuver.   Dear then asked why I had come back in to grab them.  I couldn't really answer him because I (a) didn't have an answer prepared and (b) I had a screaming Peanut in my ear.  I thought about it though as I drove and I knew why I had them.  I had them because to me those pictures are the only shred of physical evidence I have of the pregnancy.  I was also going to tell my counselor the story for the first time and I wanted her to see that I wasn't full of shit, not that she would've thought that ever.  I think I felt insecure.  I wanted the physical evidence, something in my hand, that could validate my mood swings, my tears, my confusion, and the steps towards being more positive. 

When I returned home, Dear and I chatted for a moment about the pictures.  He didn't see them as serving a purpose to verify everything that has happened.  We both know it happened.  We were both there.  We know there isn't anything left.  He sees it as something that happened that was out of our control.  There wasn't anything we could have done to prevent it, so why hold on to a painful reminder of the past (was my perception).  Dear also shared that it wasn't something tangible that had been taken from us, like one of the two children we already have, were to be taken away.  I had felt it move, I had heard the heart beat, I had been far more invested physically and emotionally.  I never really looked at the chain of events from his perspective, being wrapped up in my own craziness.  It was so good to listen to him and learn.  I wish by listening it could have made the swelling in my eyes go down...lol.

Another positive in the tangible column, the weather has been amazing the last two days.  I took the opportunity to take the kiddos to their favorite park.  We had a blast.  It was so great to see them smile, run, jump, climb, and attempt new things and succeed. I'm so glad these two are in my life. 

Although my journey is far from over, there are tangible events that make it feel more positive.  There will be ebbs and flows, so please, dont' give up hope on me as I work through it. I see the doctor tomorrow so perhaps there will be more answers there in the results of the genetic testing.  If not, I know Dear is here by my side, as well as our two darling children, and we'll come through it on the other side.