168 hours and counting, part II.......

So, the children and I piled into the car, kind of bouncing together as we bounded out the door.  It was a sight to behold.  After arriving, I checked in, providing the documentation, etc.  The receptionist then questioned me about my appointment date because she didn't see me on the schedule.  I had made a mistake, apparently, and my actual appointment was not until Wednesday.  My face must have crumbled which prompted her to say she would ask if there was a way I could be seen.  In the midst of all this, I was texting Dear, letting him know that I had arrived, where it was, and so forth.  He assured me he was on his way.  Just as I finished typing, the receptionist said there was a tech available and she would see me.  Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was thrilled, the children smiled, giggled and seemed to really rejoice in this adventure.  Just as I was called back, I told the receptionists that my husband was on his way and to please, please, please let him come back when he arrives. 

The lights dimmed, the children settled, in the same chair, I was stretched out on the exam table, and the tech was ready.  She had two toned hair, dark brown half underneath on the bottom, with a lovely blond on top.  She appeared young, vibrant, and had an accent that hinted toward a Midwestern upbringing.  She squirted my belly with the gel, the son asked what that stuff was, I explained, and the journey began.  The tech kept the screen pointed toward herself, so I busied myself with explaining to the children what she was measuring.  I asked if she could find the gender yet, but not so much.  She said she hadn't gotten that far yet.  I told her that the baby usually moved from side to side, so it might be hard to keep up with it.  I asked if it was moving a lot.  She just said that it wasn't so active. 

She told me that she had to take some of the images to the radiologist, so I could go pee, as I was exceeding my bladder capacity, and the children had to go too.  What's a 5 minute delay in the grand scheme of things?  And where was Dear?  Was he on the phone with his boss, AGAIN?  I figured I'd find him in a moment.  No worries I assured myself. 

The 3 of us traipsed back to the room, the children running ahead of me, laughing, and trying to see if they could get behind me to catch a glimpse of my fanny.  It was hilarious.  We settled down, assuming our positions, waiting........waiting.........waiting............WHERE WAS DEAR?!  I was starting to wonder by now.  I had no new texts and a full signal.  Bizarre. 

Abruptly, the door opened, the ultrasound tech entered with a flustered air about her, ushered the children out, and then let the radiologist into the room.  I knew.  The pit settled, the fear gripped my heart, the tears sprang as if they had a life of their own, hot, burning tracks down the sides of my cheeks, but I held my breath.  Maybe I was getting this all wrong.  Dear....where was he?  I'm alone....the tears continued to rain down, totally out of my control.  What was wrong with me?  I was supposed to be happy.  I wanted my children there, but why were they escorted out and what was the radiologist doing?  Oh SHIT.  Nope, I'm not afraid, he's just there to confirm the measurements.  Breathe........................

A voice from entered my thoughts, interrupting my calming techniques, how rude....it seemed to really want  me to listen.  "Mrs. Welsh, after reviewing the pictures, this fetus does not have a heart beat, thus a demise of the fetus had occurred."  My goodness, was Niagara Falls falling down my face?  I felt like my hair was soaked from taking a shower or walking under the falls.  What did he say again?  Have you seen my Dear?  This isn't really happening, is it?  Wait, did he say if it was a boy or girl?  Wait, did he say demise?  Did he say no heart beat?  Something about calling the doctor right now, why?  I'm all good; I had a heart beat at 8 weeks, why is this such a big deal? 

*****Oh, wait, now I remember, the radiologist said demise...I'm not pregnant anymore.........How did that happen?  What the fuck is going on?  How is this possible?  It had a heart beat of 153 beats per minute just 4 weeks ago!!!!!!  You have got to be fucking kidding me.  Everything was supposed to be fine.  Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.  WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DEAR?!?!?!?!?!************

Somewhere during this time, the children reappeared, Dear walked in; the children told him that he had missed everything; he deflated; I tried to reassure him that he didn't miss anything because there wasn't anything to see, apparently..........demise, surgery, doctor calling.....whirlwind.....pictures deleted....wait, I wanted the know what the gender was........oh, that wouldn't matter in a demise.....who had a demise? ME?!  Oh, that's right, there wasn't a heart beat.  I don't have a baby anymore.  I had to go to another room with a phone, the nurse from the doctors office was talking, I wasn't listening; Dear was corralling the children in this closet size room; what?  what is going on?  The nurse said I had to come to the office right now.  Who?  Me...right....Dear, can you take the children?  I have to go to the doctor for something.  Let's just walk outside.  Okay, we're good.  I can't make a scene in the waiting room, so hold on, let me dry my tears, blow my nose again, and gather my thoughts. 

The baby was gone.  *RING*, shit, that's my phone.  I don't need to go to the doctor's office.  I must go tomorrow at 2:30 pm.  What the fuck is going on?  How the fuck am I going to swing this?  Dear has to work.  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Thank God for retired in-laws who are supportive, kind, generous and ask few questions.  My MIL came, picked up the children, kept them overnight, with the help of my SIL, BIL, and FIL, it all went like clockwork.  I sat at home, sobbed, drove the doctor, sobbed some more.  Surgery was scheduled for the following morning at 8.  There was no more baby.  Everyone was so sorry in the office.  I was so sorry too. 

The fetus measured 15 weeks, 1 day.  I should have been 19 weeks, 1 day.  The fetus probably had died right after my last appointment.  How could I not have realized?  Are you sure that there is nothing left?  Yes, unfortunately, the demise was confirmed.  All of this happened about 168 hours ago, depending on when you started to count.  I started on Monday, the 15th of July.  That was when the reality began to have to be processed.  It sucked.  It still sucks.  A small comforting fact is that after the procedure on Wednesday morning, my beloved doctor relayed to Dear and me that this baby was "not compatible with life".  As we told the children, God had called the baby home to fly with the angels, to watch over the 4 of us from heaven.  The children thought that was awesome; Dear and I are still traversing the healing journey through this VERY unfamiliar, yet slightly familiar, territory.  It's hard to process that I had only gone in for a 20 week sonogram and ended up going an entirely different route. 

I hate this shit.  It fucking sucks.  I at in the Outer Banks, staying with my parents, who fail to acknowledge the white elephant sitting on my head.  It is not to be spoken about, not acknowledged, left alone....I struggle........I cry, I snap at my children, I read, I hear a song and I burst out in tears......I hug my two wonderful children and sob, quietly.  Sometimes I curse things in my head that sound something like: Why the FUCK did this have to happen twice in 9 months?!?!?!?!?!"  Then I breathe, sob, and move forward.  One day the pain will go away.  One day I might return to being normal, when the memory heals over, like a huge scab, then just a memory in my heart. 

Thanks for reading this and understanding everything, even the f'ing curse words  :0)  Any words of wisdom are welcome.  I know this happened for a reason, but I don't know why yet.......I'll need some support to make it through this time............

Love,
L